I’ll never forget the lights

I’ve wrestled with God for weeks about if and how I should address this topic. Since this platform is about the good, the bad and the ugly of Christian life; here goes!

They conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they did not love their lives in the face of death. Revelation 12:11

I remember the lights. I’ll never forget the lights. Focusing on the fluorescent ceiling lights allowed me to detach from reality. I remember the sonogram machine. No different from any other except this time the screen wasn’t facing me. I remember being told my math was wrong. I remember the anxiety; screaming STOP in my mind but no words leaving my mouth. I remember the juice and graham crackers. I remember the violent episodes of simultaneous vomiting and diarrhea afterwards. I remember the pills I had to take at home to induce contractions because of course the smart girl got the math wrong.  I remember being a little girl who wanted 10 beautiful brown babies with no practical knowledge of the associated burden. I remember penning a poem to the soul that I returned to God explaining my reasons and asking for forgiveness. I remember holding the hand of a middle-aged white woman who wanted nothing more than to add a baby to her loving marriage. I remember genetic abnormalities being the reason she had to focus on those same lights. I remember my mom telling me about her childhood friend whose mom told her if you kiss a boy you’ll get pregnant; getting pregnant by a boy who told her “I won’t kiss you”. I remember my uncle telling me horror stories of 2 high school classmates that had negative outcomes of illegal abortions. I also remember the joy of holding a baby girl whose momma attempted to abort her, but God blocked it!

As Christians we are very quick to tell each other what we should and shouldn’t do. I’m no exception. It can be very easy to sit in the seat of a Pharisee and not take the time to sit at the well and understand the unique situation of a human being. I was a young woman who had 2 children by the time I was 20. My youngest child who we affectionately called “bubble boy” had the worst eczema, asthma and food allergies I’d ever seen. I was losing time at work running to ER’s, Pediatricians and Johns Hopkins University regularly. I had a good union job with great benefits but for a single mother of 2 money is always tight. The thought of having another child that I was not equipped to support was physically and emotionally overwhelming.  I was a mother who loved her kids and loved the one in my womb enough that I refused to subject it to my situation at the time.

I know just about all the points of view on this topic. I don’t claim to be pro-abortion or pro-life. No matter how we slice this cake we serve a God who is pro-choice. For God so loved the WORLD that He gave His only begotten son… John 3:16. God allows us to choose even when it comes to our Salvation. Even if we don’t choose Him. He went to the cross understanding that some still would not choose Him. Sometimes we choose things that please Him and sometimes we don’t. However, He always allows us to choose. We choose to ignore children in Flint, MI who have toxic water. We choose to ignore the masses of indigenous women who are being raped and murdered in America. We choose to ignore pharmaceutical companies that will allow children to die of bee stings and other allergens to maximize profits. We choose to ignore children in America in 2019 who don’t have running water while we dig wells abroad. We choose to allow law makers who are mostly male to dictate what happens to the wombs of women and girls across the country. We choose to focus on the speck in our brother’s eye while we ignore the plank in our own.  We choose to quote scriptures like Luke 6:38 when it’s time for giving but not Luke 6:36-38 when it comes to judgement. If our concern in the life cycle of a fetus ends at birth and does not extend to the children, adults and elderly they grow to be we must examine our hearts. If our answer to the victims of rape, incest and manipulation is to force them to relive that trauma daily for 9 months and birth an unwanted baby into an unloving society we must examine our hearts.

grayscale photo of person holding chess piece
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I don’t claim to have all the answers. However, we must understand that women who have abortions aren’t serial killers who intentionally get pregnant with plans to end life. They are women and girls who have made a choice that should be between themselves, God and their partner if involved. And we as Christians should respect their right to choose.

 Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful. Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven: Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again.

Luke 6:36-38



Father God we come to you as humbly as we know how

We thank you for your mercy and ask that we would learn to be merciful

Father we thank you for your grace

We ask that you guide our thoughts, actions and deeds including every decision we make

We pray that our hearts and minds would be transformed to the heart and mind of Christ

That though we do not always agree with each other’s decisions we would not attempt to force an image of holiness on each other

And God when our decisions fall short of your standards we pray that you would forgive us

Father we pray for every woman and girl who has seen those lights

We pray that they know that your love doesn’t exclude them

In Jesus’ name we pray



5 thoughts on “I’ll never forget the lights

Add yours

  1. I love how transparent you are in every post! You literally held nothing back and with a highly publicized and touchy topic such as this, as a woman…more importantly a Christian woman this was necessary! Thank you! A great read…Good job!


  2. What a complex, multi-layered piece. Thank you for your transparency. I know that someone will be freed. This piece was thought-provoking and much needed at this time
    Thanks for the reminder to tend to the plank in my eye vs. the speck in my brother’s.


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