Five words no one in any relationship wants to hear are it’s not you, it’s me. It’s a phrase we hear during a break-up. Symbolizing the end. An end without what we feel is a valid explanation or proper closure. When we hear those words, our minds are trained to look inward for what we’ve done wrong. We sit with friends and analyze our relationships to identify where we went wrong. Certainly, those words are a lie. A copout. An excuse for someone who isn’t happy to feign humility by shouldering misplaced blame. Our minds tell us it is most certainly our issue, habits or behaviors that have landed us alone. It’s not me, it’s you: a cringeworthy phrase that we avoid using because we’ve all suffered from the associated sting.
In reality, those words leave the lips of a person who has identified something in themselves which has fractured a relationship. For the past nine months the COVID pandemic has revealed many truths about me. COVID has identified wounds I thought were healed. It’s also identified areas of true deliverance and Egypt’s; I refuse return to. Most days my tank has been so empty I haven’t been able to do more than required tasks of the day. No frills. No extra’s. My relationship with money and my trust in God have been tested. My connection and commitment to family has been tried. I’ve seen family on their death bed’s, friends struggle with disease. I’ve found myself not only social distancing but emotionally distancing. I’ve also found myself saying to God, it’s not you it’s me.
In my honesty with God I remembered, there is nothing God can’t handle. We say those words but live like admitting to being a human being will somehow remove the C from our chests. We forget that God was aware of whatever state we would find ourselves in before we were formed in our mother’s wombs. I found that when those words left my lips it released the weight from my shoulders. A simple confession, admission of my weakness highlighted his strength. Somedays I’ve been able to identify with the woman who touched the hem of His garment. She only had enough space and capacity to reach the tiniest piece of him but it was enough. At times I find myself like Lazarus, emotionally dead. Somedays I’ve found myself like the man at the pool of Bethesda, laying on my mat unable to move.
The common factor in our suffering, be it emotionally, financially, physically or otherwise is us. Even the scars of childhood trauma or unsolicited trials are ours to do with as we please. We can cast our cares on the Lord, leaning on God who can carry our burdens or we can continue to hold them so tight they cripple us. In 2021 I challenge you to relinquish control of even your deepest darkest secrets and emotions. Lay them at the Lord’s feet. Confess not just your sins but your fears, anxieties and secrets. The one person who understands that it’s not him but me is God. He isn’t shocked or afraid of even your deepest darkest place. Share those places in yourself that have fractured your spiritual relationship with God and allow him to heal them.